In my previous post on grief, I ended with a series of questions about how Christians generally respond. I did not get many responses so I would like to briefly answer my own questions in hopes that it provides some insight for those who may not have much experience dealing with grief.
- Let’s look for a moment at the case of Job and how his friends reacted to his tragedy:
When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him…Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. (Job 2:11-13 excerpts)
We often give Job’s friends a hard time for their words in later chapters but before they “spoke inaccurately” about God, they sat with Job for 7 days without a word and mourned with him. One of the biggest lessons I learned in school and in my internship was the power of presence. It is often more powerful than any words could ever be.
- This will probably go against the instinct of most people but your first comment should NOT attempt to be one of comfort, it should be one of support. When you are dealing with someone who has just recently lost a loved one or gotten a divorce or gone through any kind of struggle, they do not want to hear “it’s ok” because to them, it’s not ok. They often need to hear FIRST that their situation is difficult and they have a right to be sad.
- The next thing they need to know is that they’re not alone. They need to HEAR it but it is even better if there is a tangible way to SHOW it. At the church I attended when I was in college, there was an entire committee just for providing food for people who had a sickness or death in the family and another committee for sending cards to members of the church for all occasions, happy and sad. In that small town Baptist church, people always know they are cared for and are not alone but, in a lot of churches, that kind of awareness of individual situations is not there. When you know someone is having a rough time, can you offer to get them groceries or make a meal for them? Maybe you can offer to babysit their kids so they can have alone time. Even something as simple as giving them a non-judgmental listening ear has incredible value. There are many ways, verbal and practical, to help show people that they do not have to go through a difficult situation without support from other believers.
- Now, we can remind them of the HOPE we have in Jesus. BUT, be careful how you word that. Don’t discount the fact that what they are going through is difficult but you can tell them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even when they can’t see it. Remind them that God blesses those who mourn and that He does promise eternal life for whoever believes in Him but just remember as you tell them that this life is still painful and it’s ok for them to mourn that.
- Finally, don’t just pray FOR them, pray WITH them. I am convinced that when tragedy strikes, people either draw closer to God or they push Him away but they never stay in the same place. You could be that influence that pushes them towards God instead of away from Him. I am much less likely to pray when I am in my “Life isn’t fair” mindset so having someone else pray with me is a good way to re-focus on God’s character and his presence in that moment.
